Steve Schappell-My Blog

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Cha...cha...changes

Some days, things don’t go well.  Tuesday was that sort of day….again.

I came off of a busy weekend that included the following:
-Working late Friday and on Saturday and Sunday
-Late night bowling with friends until 2 am
-Out on a blind date Sat night (dinner and movie) in Lancaster, and then back to Harrisburg to meet friends until 1:30 am
-Hershey Bears game by myself Sunday afternoon

In the middle there was a “blind date.”  In this case, she knew what I looked like, but I did not know what she looked like until we met.  It was a case where we met online, talked during the week, emailed and then met.  It was interesting.  Dinner was OK, not great and I paid.  We went to the movies to see what she was interested in (“The Conspirator” and it was good).  She paid for her own ticket, which told me that it did not matter if I stayed.  Another date, another no connection.

Sunday night, I sent a message to someone online that lives close by.  She responded quickly and it escalated to emails, texts, a call and then meeting for Breakfast Tuesday before work.  Again, all initial signs indicate a positive start.  From my end, things seem to go well.  Conversation, laughter, hug goodbye. “Can I see you again?” “Sure” and then a few hours later, after texting about meeting again, I get what I always get lately “I am sorry, did not feel a romantic connection.  Hard for me to write this…..etc”

For now, I’m done… 

Disappointment one after another… 

You’re just meeting the wrong people, someone told me…

I’m trying to hard.

It’s not fair.  My ex left me for someone else and is still with him 3 years later.  She has someone.  I apparently cannot sustain a relationship past 5 months.  My ex girlfriend already has someone else.  I’m tired of being given the “Nice Guy” speech or lately just texts again.  I’m tired of feeling lonely and have no one to share it with.  Trying to shake that everyone I meet I compare to my last relationship.

I don’t want pity from anyone.  I want a relationship.  I want to date someone.  I want to be happy again.  It’s selfish, I know. 

It’s not the right time.
They will find you when they are ready.
You are a good person.
It will happen when it’s ready.

All nice affirmations told to me by people who already have someone.

So allow me to hurt.  Allow me to make wrong choices.  Allow me to keep trying, keep failing in hopes of succeeding.  Allow me to feel disappointment….

God is bringing me closer to him and closer to the brink where I acknowledge my sinful nature and cry out for him.  He will break me and then hold me.  He will pick me up, dust me off and strengthen me.

Maybe I need a break from everyone and everything.  Time to heal.  I just want to be accepted for who I am and have someone see past my exterior to who I am inside.

One day, maybe

1 comment:

  1. It's okay to throw an occasional pity party. It's okay to be lonely and miss having a relationship. Not only is it okay, but it is also normal. If it brings you to a point where healing is your goal and you are drawing closer to God in the process, it's not just okay, it's not just normal, it's good! Love you, my friend, and wish I were there to hug you and join in the pity party!

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