Steve Schappell-My Blog

Saturday, April 23, 2011

More "Nice Guy" follow up...

Normally, this blog is my writing and observations.  When I was doing some research for my post, I came across this from and forgot to include it.  Here it is, along with some of my comments in italicized highlights....As always, I welcome your comments.  This first part comes from women.
Women need to find the difference between a nice guy and a guy with nice guy syndrome.
--The only thing worse than a bad boy is a guy who says he's nice but is just some wimp or a whiner willing to buy you dinner and tell you how much women hate him. I have spent many a date apologizing for women.  (Personally, I do not whine about my ex or other women.  I get asked questions about the relationship with my ex since it is out there on my profile and I have learned that my situation is very tolerable compared to most that have no assistance from their ex, or that he is a jerk...or other words I cannot print here.)
Those "nice guys" ended up being worse than bad boys. What's the point of that?  A wimp is not a nice guy. He is a wimp. Same with the whiners.  (I agree here.  You need to be confident in who you are and be confident when out.  People see that and are drawn to it.  No woman is going to like someone who whines all time either.  We have enough drama in our personal lives to throw more on someone else.)
Nice guy = a man who is smart, considerate, generous, charming, has a solid group of friends, knows what he's willing to do and communicates what he's not willing to do, can keep a job, is not going through self-created drama (terminal unemployment, heavy drinking, begging for forgiveness).  (AMEN.  Could have not have said it better.  And personally, that is who I am...)
A nice guy may have been dumped for bad boys in the past, but he doesn't spend the first date telling you about it. He spends the first date listening to you and sharing positive thoughts and experiences with you.  (Right again.  This IS paramount.  A man listens more when he talks less.  On my recent date I posted about, she did most of the talking and I listened.  And considering I talk a lot...well that's saying something!)

Continuing on from a woman's perspective the article mentions more after the first date and implores that if there is any kind of connection to explore it further.
Go on a second date. And a third. And a fourth.
Lust is easy to find. A good conversation and being treated well is harder to find. But how many of us have told a girlfriend after a date "He was great, we talked forever, but I just wasn't feeling it." So we didn't bother with the second date.
Women are ADD daters. If we don't get the addictive feeling, we get distracted.  But lust can build.  Many women meet men they want to marry but don't want to date. Read that twice. Does that really make sense?  (WOW.  This is how I feel... and I am a guy)
Lust builds.  A good night of conversation can lead to steamy post-date action.  Just not on the first date.
Go on a few more dates. See what happens. The worst case scenario is that you have a great time with a great man. And you can use that experience for when you find the nice guy who IS right for you.

Enjoy it.
Go through as many nice guys as it takes to meet YOUR nice guy. Those nice guys are going through the same thing. They want their Miss Right, too. And they likely have the same horror stories you do. And they are just as happy to wait for their soul mate. (Women aren't the only ones who have to kiss a few frogs to find love.)  (WOO HOO...Preach it sister!)
So be honest.  Meet good people.  Be good people.  And stay optimistic.  Everyone deserves a good person to be by their side for the rest of their life.
You deserve him. Have fun finding him. And have fun keeping him!

Now, here is more from a Man's perspective.....

            Be yourself.  If you like who you are, stay that way.  Don't change for other people. The girl who is really worth your while will love you for who you are and nothing else.  (A simple truth that I am finally starting to live and not compromise on)
Start off slow. Talk to her about simple things. Some examples can be what music she likes, what she likes to do with her time, what she does over the summer.  Don't ask these one after another, spend time on each topic, maintaining an interest in what she is saying. Remember, this is a lengthy process, so don't screw it up early by wanting to rush. Once you've kept up with this for a while, you can start getting a little more personal about the things you speak about.  (For me, I sometimes cover this in emails and texts before we meet.  I like that you keep some of the mystery in and can talk more on a date to expand the topics...)
If she wants to talk for hours, tell your friends you're busy tonight.  Making yourself available to talk is a great way to show her you're there for her.  Although you're not dating, she'll be comforted knowing she has a person she can talk to.  Obviously, it will take some time before she confides completely in you.  Girls are naturally skeptical about trusting guys with the truth about themselves at first.  (And some guys are the same.  I tend to be "heart on my sleeve" guy and some of that has to change.  Too much too fast is a killer.)
Take the first step. If you are comfortable with the girl, and you feel that you can trust her, help her to be able to trust you.  Before you do this next step, make sure that she has confided in you a few things about herself.  Once this is done, set a date.  Don't be too forward. If she has done what was previously been stated, you will not be rejected.  (I need to try this and see what happens...)
Don't be the bad guy. Girls, as much as you don't believe it, like the guy who listens to them more than the tough guy. Yes, they want to feel protected physically, but nothing beats being emotionally protected. This is very important.  (Ladies, do you agree?)
She was willing to go out with you, so don't be nervous. You're in a good spot.  Remember though, the first date does not mean you're committed to each other only.  If you play everything right, when you say goodnight, you make the determination of the kiss goodnight.  (Hmmm, wise advice from someone who needs to keep it more casual)

Ok.  Time to move on and prepare for my next postings, as I begin to talk about the world of online dating....this will be good.

Happy Easter Everyone!!  Christ the Lord is risen today!  Hallelujah!!

1 comment:

  1. First, what's with the foreign font? Second, to answer your question about being emotionally protected vs. being physically protected, I think at our stage in life (post-marriage), different women have different perspectives on this. Personally, after being married to a wimpy guy who supposedly listened to me, but did NOTHING to protect me physically or emotionally, I'd like a real man, a manly man who is not only willing, but also ABLE to protect me physically. Yes, being a good listener is fine, but not if it's fake and a cop-out for sharing who he is with me!

    Anyhow, just my $.02 :-)